Christmas Cookies

You are my JOY

Little Lucy Jane – you are the light of my life.

Turning SEVEN feels impossible, as it seems like you were just a baby girl in my arms.  You’ve spent your whole life making us smile, and I have no doubt that your future will be as BRIGHT as your sparkly grin!

Here are SEVEN Fun Facts about my favorite baby Goose.

ONE.  Your personality is HUGE.  There is never a dull (or quiet) moment when you are around.  You are laughing or humming or singing every. single. minute.  You love to be the center of attention, and claim you’ll be famous one day.  Of that, I have no doubt.  You have this little slur in your speech as you say your Rs and it makes everything that you say all that cuter.  You’ve become famous in our family for your “one-liners”… the stuff that you come up with usually has us rolling our eyes or laughing out loud.  We often have to remind you to “filter”, because you have no problem speaking whatever comes to mind.  And you’ve perfected the arch of your eyebrows in such a way that makes your sister want to scream. 

TWO.  You are obsessed with blind bag toys.  Whether it be LOL dolls, or Hatchimals, or Mashems… you beg to spend every dollar you have (and ours!) on these cheap little toys that are sold in bags.  And if you’re not buying and opening them, you’re watching YouTube Kids videos of other people buying and opening them!  Your other obsession of late is making SLIME.  You and your best friend Elouise are becoming little professionals at mixing up ingredients for your latest SLIME batch!

THREE.  You, my darling girl, are a FASHIONISTA.  Every night you eagerly comb through your closet, finding just the perfect outfit to wear the next day.  Ever the practical one, you always have me check the weather and confirm whether or not you have PE the following day.  Lately you’ve been all about black leggings, cold-shoulder shirts, chokers and anything that makes you look twice your age.  You’ll have nothing to do with dresses or skirts and would happily wear your UGGS every day of the year.  And if it’s pink, has unicorns and is sparkly… it will be your very top choice!

FOUR.  You have made your very first “bestie”.  This summer, you and Elouise Love became inseparable.  You’re like magnets… you can find each other in a crowded room, on the playground or randomly at Target.  And I just love seeing the two of you together.  You bring out the best in each other… you can make her giggle for hours, and she has pushed you to become such a great little reader.  You balance each other out well – and the two of you have worked so hard to get your back handsprings and make the Level Two cheerleading squad!  Instead of competing against each other – you encourage each other in just the sweetest way.  I have a feeling this friendship is going to last a very very very long time.

FIVE. You are so stinking smart! Your first grade teacher thinks you are just the Bees Knees.  She has told me that you are so helpful and reliable and are kind to everyone in your class.  She’s even said that she fully expects you to finish the First Grade Sight Word before Christmas and plans to start you on the Second Grade Sight Word List!  You make me laugh each night as we go over your Homework Menu because you always want to do more or ask for extra homework.  You especially love math word problems!

SIX.  You are incredible at Cheer and Dance!  This year you got your back-handspring and made the Level Two Cheer Squad, Rowdies.  You are one of the best bases on the squad and the coaches absolutely adore you.  Your first competition is coming up and I can’t wait to see you go out there and rock your stuff!  Also, you’ve added Dance into the mix this Fall!  You started out in a regular 5-7 age group, but after only three classes, the instructor recommend you to move to a more advanced class.  Now you are dancing with 8-12 year olds!  And you think you’re pretty hot stuff for being in there!  Nevertheless, the instructors think that as long as you work hard, you’ll learn and grow so much more in the advanced class!  Between cheer and dance, you keep our evenings quite full… but nothing beats seeing you flourish in the activities that you absolutely love!

SEVEN. There’s still so much more about you!!! You’ve spent the entire summer toothless, and you always wear a giant hair bow in your ponytail.  You love your nails to be painted and often tell me that I do a better job than the lady at the salon.  Your favorite stores are Justice, Claire’s and Target… in that order.  You absolutely love Unicorns and walk through the house in your Unicorn PJ-Onesie and tell us that your name is “Thelma-corn”!  You got a big-girl bike for your birthday and no longer need training wheels.  You have SO MANY FRIENDS and had twenty come celebrate your birthday at the Roller Skating Rink! You love Snap Chat, crafting and our puppy dog Macy. You aren’t a big fan of CHANGE, and have a hard time when friends move away or we remodel something in our house.  You pick sultry songs when you sing and your dance moves sometimes makes your daddy quite nervous!

I say this year after year, you absolutely COLOR OUR WORLD!  You are our little Rainbow Bright and you complete our family like no one else could.

Like I tell you every night at bedtime, I adore you Lucy Goose.  You are my JOY. 

Uncharted Territory

It’s a hot summer day in Oklahoma.  Over 100 degrees outside.  The girls are at Kankauk Kamp – singing worship songs and learning how much Jesus loves them.  HOTY is out of town all week.  And I’m sitting in a psychologists office.

“From the extensive testing your family did, I believe your daughter is within the scale of being clinically diagnosed with ADHD.”

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When Molly was three, and we’d just moved to Kansas, we registered for a program called Parents as Teachers, primarily for babies birth to three years old.  For over a year, a sweet lady named Dorothy came to give us tips on sleep training, transitioning to solids, and so on.  But at each of her visits, I spent the majority of time asking for advice on getting Molly to follow directions, focusing on tasks or all-around parenting skills to cope with my ever-challenging preschooler.

I remember calling a good friend when Molly as five, who was also a reputable Nurse Practitioner, asking advice on if I should have Molly go to counseling for difficult behavior and our daily struggles at home.  She gave me a couple of names, but soothed my worries telling me she was an absolute wonderful child and there was nothing wrong with her.  I never called any of the names she suggested.

In Kindergarten, I remember a teacher pointing out that Molly had a hard time with testing, especially when asked verbally in front of the class.  In First Grade, timed math tests produced more tears and frustrations than any actual positive results.  In Second Grade, I can’t count the times I texted her teacher giving her a heads up that we’d had a horrible morning getting Molly ready for school and that she might need some extra love that day.

That same year, after having a rough time with her at Disney World (yes, Disney World!), HOTY and I had a long discussion on the way home and decided we needed to find some outside help.  Upon the referral of a friend, I took her to a local “ADHD specialist”.  The man was incredibly hard to get an appointment with, so after two months of waiting, we finally sat in his office.  My stomach was a ball of nerves and I was doing my best to keep Molly sheltered from the real reason we were there.  The last thing I wanted was to make her feel bad about herself.  He came in for fifteen minutes, asked me some questions that I answered only half-truthfully in fear that Molly might overhear, and then told me that Molly was “borderline ADHD” and gave me some medication samples.  We were in and out of there in less than 30 minutes.

The entire drive home I felt sick to my stomach.  I’m not anti-medication, but giving my daughter prescription drugs based on a “drive-through” diagnosis did not sit well with me.  Nonetheless, I went ahead and took the prescription to the pharmacy to go ahead and have once the samples were gone.  When the pharmacist informed me that the monthly dosage would be $300, I felt almost relieved.  It gave me an easy out to not give Molly the medication.  So I went home and trashed the samples.

Throughout the next year I continued my search to be a better parent for my “not-as-easy-as-her-sister” child.  I listened to podcasts, read more parenting books, pinned more articles on Pinterest.  Some days were great.  Some days weren’t. 

This summer, after the recommendation of our family counselor, I took Molly to another psychologist.  Another “ADHD expert”.  This time, he sat with us for over an hour, asking questions to both of us, listening to our answers and suggesting ways to make things easier at home.  He sent us home with an array of questionnaire tests and asked us to mail them back upon completion.  Part of the tests were for Molly on her own, so over a series of days, I asked her to complete them.  I assured her that it was something that would help her and when she asked if I wouldn’t look, I promised I wouldn’t.  I answered the parent booklet and within a week, I’d mailed it back to the doctor.

Six weeks later, there I was, confirming a diagnosis that I’d known for years.  While everyone else told me that she was a completely normal kid, just like her peers, I knew she wasn’t.  While everyone saw her generous heart, her sweet nature, her love of little kids, I saw beyond to her inability to keep track of time, her impulsive behavior, her anger and frustrations towards her sister, her anxiety in social settings.

And yet, my world seemed to turn upside down with that diagnosis. 

Going forward, I don’t know what medications we’ll use or how much help we’ll need from the school.

My heart hurts wondering how I’ll even tell her about the diagnosis.

I lay awake at night reliving all the times that I handled things wrongly and yelled at her for something I now know she couldn’t help.  I feel like I’m drowning in guilt.

But like all hard things in life, I focus on what has to be done and start with one foot in front of the other.  Doctors appointments have been made.  ADHD books have been purchased.  Articles and podcasts are downloaded to be read and listened to.  And all the while, I’m hugging her closer to me and thanking the Lord for this chance to change things in her life for the GOOD.  I’m seeing her through new eyes and that is a beautiful thing.  When she gets sidetracked when asked to do something, I find a new found patience that wasn’t there before.  I am more empathetic to her struggles with her sister. 

This is a new road for us.  One that I wanted documented.  So that one day I’ll look back and read how I felt when we first diverged onto the path unknown. 

Because one day, not so far away, it won’t feel like such a scary thing.  

Double Digits

When you were a baby, I would hold you in my arms and stare at your beautiful face.  I would imagine all that you would become… the playful toddler that you would be, the smart little preschooler you’d be.  I’d imagine you starting Kindergarten, losing your first tooth, riding a bike, making new friends.  I would dream of the girl you’d be in ten years.

Today, she is standing before me.

And she is amazing.

You’ve succeeded every single one of my dreams.  You are more wonderful, more generous, more creative than I ever imagined.  You have grown into a gorgeous young lady with a heart of gold.

And oh, all the fantastic things about you! You love Minecraft and Roblox, ham sandwiches and watching America’s Got Talent.  You love gooey brownies and chocolate chip cookies straight out of the oven.  You like blasting music when you’re taking a shower and your room is always a disaster.  You love fuzzy blankets on the couch and walking the dog to the bus stop each morning.

You like to wear bows in your hair and an old pair of sneakers on your feet.  You dress every day in a t-shirt, some two-sizes-too-big!  You have a true talent on the piano and I love to listen to you play.  You are absolutely wonderful with little kids and always go out of your way to play with babies.  You like when your sister will sleep in your bed, even though you won’t really admit it.  You love hosting parties, swimming at the pool and riding your scooter around the neighborhood.

You are brave and decisive.  You know what you stand for and will walk away from things you dislike.  You are loyal and kind and strong-willed.  You can be very very stubborn.

You also have this sensitivity about you that I often overlook.  I forget to look past the facade and see you hurting, or worrying, or struggling with something.  You love so big and you see a world that needs you.  You ask to go out and find lost dogs.  You want to give every dollar you have to every homeless person you see.  You pick up a friends chair when he’s fallen out of it.  My sweet girl, the world is so much better with you and your amazing heart in it.

Your laugh is my most favorite sound in this world.  It is loud and free of all reserve.  When you’re watching silly cat videos with your dad or you’re being crazy with your sister, I sit and listen to that magical sound of pure joy.

And your eyes.  Those same baby blue eyes that I stared at a decade ago – oh how they sparkle!  When you are happy – they are so bright, like diamonds dancing before me.  Your entire face lights up and I can’t help but smile back.  And when you are sad, those eyes darken like a cloudy day.  Your eyebrows sag and I can see every emotion across your beautiful face.

The teen years are coming – I see them looming in the distance.  And I see your body changing right before my eyes.  I see your moods swing and insecurities overtake you whenever you’re amongst your peers.  My heart hurts seeing it, as I know that harder years are ahead and I want to save you from all that hurt. 

And I feel you pulling away sometimes, trying to find your own individual way.  I long to dive in and swim you to safety, to hold you afloat in choppy waters.  And just when I think you don’t need me, you come back to the shore, needing security and reassurance, comfort and warmth.  It’s in those small moments that I see the relationship that I know one day we’ll truly have.  Until then, I’ll stay right here, letting you pull away when you need to, as you find yourself in this big crazy world.

Happy double digits my dear sweet firstborn.

You came into this world and have truly made it a better place for us all.