Too soon.

When my dad turned 70 last year, I reached out to family and friends for a list of everyone’s reasons why they loved him.  Before I knew it, my inbox was flooded with stories about what my dad had done for other people.  He’d driven friends to chemo appointments.  He’d taken care of pets while people were on vacations.  He’d gone to see volleyball games and football games of kids he wasn’t even related to.  He’d fixed up countless things around the church.  He was the go-to handyman for a few of the widows in town.  He’d led many years of Vacation Bible School.  He’d even purchased a vehicle for a foster family going through a hard time. 

And so much more than what he’d done, I also heard about what kind of man he was.  He was a man of God.  He was compassionate.  He was kind.  He was humble.  He was intelligent.  He was generous.  He was creative.  He was loyal.

But I already knew those things.  I knew who he was and all the wonderful things he did.

Yet to me, he was simply “dad”.

The person I called when I needed advice or just a good laugh. Who I’d go to whenever I had an idea for some crazy project or escapade.  Who’s ridiculous Facebook posts made me cringe and smile all at once.  The man who could fix anything and would always do it as soon as I’d ask.  The person who loaned me books and discuss my latest enneagram obsession.  The person who seemed to understand me the most.

And even though I was already a daddy’s girl from the very beginning, I fell in love with him all over again when he officially became “Papa”.

I’ve never known anyone to light up like he did around our girls.  He’d make up games and treasure hunts, put together puzzles and play hours of Go Fish.  He built all sorts of things for them – race cars and scooters, walking sticks and play houses – just to put smiles on their faces. He wore his “Papa” hat proudly and knew just how to make each girl feel special and loved.  He was the best Papa in the world.

Over the last year, as the number of doctor’s appointments grew and he seemed to slow down with age, I’d started to pray “Just 10 more years Lord.  Just give me 10 more years and then I’ll be ready to lose him.”  I’d even added up the girl’s ages, knowing that at 21 and 18, the girls would be old enough to let go and yet have wonderful memories of him to live on with.  And even with that prayer on my heart, even with knowing that he’d slowed down, I never expected he’d be gone from us so soon.

How could we have possibly known?

There is a hole in my heart now and I find it hard to breathe.  At times, the pain becomes unbearable.  How can he possibly by gone?   I feel as if I’m on shaky ground, constantly losing my footing as my foundation below me slowly fades before my eyes. 

People are reaching out.  Food and gifts.  Showering us with love.  What good are these things when all I really want is HIM?  How can they know?  How can they really understand?  More and more I hide within myself and want to shut off the world.

Too soon.  I feel like he was taken from us too soon.  How can we go on without him?  How can my mom learn to live in a house all alone?  How can she be robbed of the person she did everything with?  How can my girls grow up without a Papa?  How can I ever feel whole again?

Eight.

When I was a kid, there was this silly cartoon we used to watch and the characters would sing, “Happy Happy Joy Joy, Happy Happy Joy!”  Although the cartoon itself was pretty terrible, the lyrics have stuck with me all these years.

And now, when I look at you, I know why.

Girlfriend, that is your anthem for life.

Every year on your birthday, I find myself looking back thinking “this was the best year yet” and “seven was my favorite, I wish she could just stay seven”… and then 12 months later I find myself thinking the same exact thing all over again.

You are a ray of sunshine, an endless rainbow, a giant bowl of sparkly glitter.

And my-oh-my, how you are adored by so many!

Your teachers, your dance instructors, your cheer coaches, your friends.  Even people that I’m friends with on social media know you and love you through all the photos that I post.  In fact, one person even commented “She is my favorite social media celebrity!”... which of course brought a big smile to your face.

And beyond that, you are kind.  And honest.  And confident.

You work hard for what you want…. spending hours this past summer on your tumbling so that you could master skills for dance that most of your peers aren’t even close to mastering.  You’ve stretched and stretched and managed to contort your body in all sort of new ways.

You are a born leader.  Friends naturally look to you to lead the way and instead of a power trip, you find a way to be empathetic to those that are hurting or feeling unloved.  You really impressed me earlier this year when you chose not to match a friend’s clothing at school because you were afraid others would feel sad about being left out.

You are wicked smart and have been selected to be part of the Enrichment program at school.  This has become your favorite class as you come home each Tuesday telling me all the cool new things that you’ve learned or created.  You are quick to think outside the box and fill our time in the car asking me all sorts of deep questions – “What makes energy?”, “How far does the sky go” and “What would happen if we could travel to the middle of the earth?”.

You love music and have befriended our Alexa device in the kitchen.  You’ve compiled an entire list of songs on your “Dance Playlist” and are always adding new ones to it.  While you eat, you hum.  While you get dressed, you sing.  You sway and your twirl across our living room floor, making up new dances and showing us endless new routines.  Music is deep within your soul.

You love clothes and jewelry and shopping for new outfits.  Fashion is always the first thing you think about each morning as you inquire about that day’s weather and what outfit you’ll put together for school.  Your “Fashion Show” birthday party was so much fun and we loved seeing you and your friends walk the runway and pose for all the pictures. 

You love coloring and slime, squishie toys and LOL dolls.  You own countless pairs of shoes and hair bows.  You giggle constantly and can’t sit still for more than a minute.  You love watching Once Upon a Time, Dance Moms and World of Dance on the TV.  You prefer mint-chocolate chip ice-cream, yet think dinner is the worst part of the day.  You’re quick to argue with your daddy and sister and will side with mommy every single time. 

Mama’s girl, indeed.  You are my little shadow, never far from me when we’re at home.  You prefer I am the one to take you to everything and get so disappointed when I can’t.  I know that soon enough all this will change, so for now, I lovingly call you my little leech.

My beautiful Goose, you are so much more than I can put into words.

Just know in the end, that you are incredibly loved.  You complete our family in such a perfect way and daddy and I couldn’t be prouder of you.

Happy Eighth Birthday Lucy Jane!!